Annual Reflection Guide 2024 - Make Changes That Last

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Annual Reflection Guide 2024 - Make Changes That Last

Today I want to help you make changes that last. Key to that is REFLECTION. Feel free to skip to the Annual Reflection Guide below if you don’t need convincing as to why it’s a good idea.

Reflecting on the year (let alone the last week!) can feel DAUNTING.

"Aren't I just gonna see what a failure I have been? How things never change? How I've hurt myself and others? Why revisit painful memories…again!?"

Whether you are helping people grow or going through a growth process yourself REFLECTION is medicine for the tired, wounded and broken soul.

One of the most helpful traditions I have kept over the last 5 years is to do a reflection on the past year. I’ve noticed that the better my reflection, the more likely it is that I’m going to follow through on my goals. Last year I can see that I kept to most of my goals and that feels incredibly satisfying. Historically, I’ve struggled to be in touch with my real needs and I’m not the most disciplined person I know. So, I see this as a sign that I am getting more and more in touch with what matters and really living it out. In a deep way this sort of reflection is creating more and more CONGRUENCE in my life: connecting who I am at a soul level to the life I live.



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Annual Reflection Guide 2023 - Make Changes That Last

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Annual Reflection Guide 2023 - Make Changes That Last

Today I want to help you make changes that last. Key to that is REFLECTION. Feel free to skip to the Annual Reflection Guide below if you don’t need convincing as to why it’s a good idea.

Reflecting on the year (let alone the last week!) can feel DAUNTING.

"Aren't I just gonna see what a failure I have been? How things never change? How I've hurt myself and others? Why revisit painful memories…again!?"

Whether you are helping people grow or going through a growth process yourself REFLECTION is medicine for the tired, wounded and broken soul.

One of the most helpful traditions I have kept over the last 5 years is to do a reflection on the past year. I’ve noticed that the better my reflection, the more likely it is that I’m going to follow through on my goals. Last year I can see that I kept to most of my goals and that feels incredibly satisfying. Historically, I’ve struggled to be in touch with my real needs and I’m not the most disciplined person I know. So, I see this as a sign that I am getting more and more in touch with what matters and really living it out. In a deep way this sort of reflection is creating more and more CONGRUENCE in my life: connecting who I am at a soul level to the life I live.



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A Cool Way to Help Kids Understand Addiction

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This deceptively cute video (5min) illustrates how addiction works.  If you are a parent, teacher, counselor or spiritual leader take a moment to watch the video and think about the kids it would work for.  I think it can act as a powerful teaching tool for kids 4 to 10 yrs old.  

I would recommend if you show it to the kids in your life that you use an inductive approach.  Ask them open-ended questions like: "what happened when the bird first tried the nugget?  what about the 2nd and 3rd time? what happened at the end?"  

Then, once the kids describe it all, ask them how it made them feel?  Then, you can talk about how there are things in the world that can bring great "darkness" into their lives.  In age appropriate ways I would list what those things could be.  "A nugget could be an image on the internet, something you drink, something you smoke..."  

So, when do you think you will show this to your kids?  Set a time now while you are thinking about it.  It could make a huge difference.


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Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

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Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

 Last week I wrote about the 22 differences between porn-related sex and healthy sex.   

      This week I delve more deeply into the top 3 differences.  I also include a former porn star's inspiring story.  Now, onto how porn kills healthy sex and how healthy sex kills porn.  

     A famous teacher once said that if you have two bosses you are going to hate one and love the other.  Basically, you are going to have to choose which boss you are going to follow or comply with.  You can't make both bosses happy.   Being loyal to one means upsetting the other and vice versa.  Some of you may even have bossws, teachers or even parents that have competing agendas.  And, I'm sure the tug-of-war drives you nuts.  It's an illustration that sometimes in life two paths are incompatible.  To gain one you have to give up the other.      

     There's a similar dynamic when it comes to pornography and a healthy sexuality.  If you choose porn then you give up a healthy sexuality and vice versa.  Pornography pulls you away from healthy sexuality and healthy sexuality can pull you away from pornography.  The main issue is that we are influenced by what we watch especially when you add an orgasm into the mix.  Our brain is able to change and it adapts itself based on rewards.  If sex to your brain = isolated porn and masturbation, experiences outside of that will not "feel right."  For some guys this means erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation when it comes to having sex with a real person.  Rewiring your brain to a healthy sexuality requires an intentional process and is not easily done.  (For more on that you can go HERE.)  

     For many guys whose first sexual experience was pornography the idea of "healthy sexuality" may seem completely foreign.  Let me break down some of the major differences between a healthy sexuality and a porn sexuality.

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22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

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22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

     Sometimes it can be hard to pin-down why pornography can be harmful to a healthy sexuality.  I am grateful to share a poster made by healthysex.com (with permission) that lays out 22 differences between healthy sex and pornography.  

     As you look at this list do you see ways your sexuality has been influenced by the porn industry?  Don't be surprised if you do.  The three "A's" of porn--accessibility, affordability and anonymity--have caused a "pornification" to happen to our culture.  This is especially true for youth whose sex education often comes by-way-of pornography.  In my next post I will delve more deeply into a few of these differences.

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Teens, Sex and Technology→

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The radio interview I did last week was packed with great questions from the host Carol the Coach.  Below are the questions we discussed.  To listen or download the interview you can go HERE.  The interview starts about 15 minutes in.

What led you to want to work with teens who are addicted to pornography?

How does pornography impact an adolescent brain differently than an adult brain?

How can pornography be harmful to developing a healthy sexuality?

What is a healthy sexuality?

What should parents understand?

Carol the Coach

Carol the Coach

How should parents respond if they discover their teen is using online pornography?

What practically should a parent do if their teen is viewing online pornography?

How can parents with younger children discourage pornography use?

What can the recovery community do to help teens?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach/2014/06/17/porn-addiction-and-teens-with-carol-the-coach

Are there people who would be helped by this podcast?  Feel free to share it.  If this podcast has helped you let me know by "liking" it.

 

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Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!→

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Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!

Tonight at 6:30pm I will talk about TEENS, SEX and TECH with Carol the Coach. You can join the show too and ask me about anything related to sex addiction, parenting or technology.

The show is pretty popular with 130,000 downloads/week from an international audience.  

Here is the info for calling in:

(646) 595-3284

We'll be taking calls starting around 6:30pm PST.  

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How Meditation Increases Grey Matter in the Brain

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How Meditation Increases Grey Matter in the Brain

When I was growing up (which was not that long ago) we were taught that once your brain was done growing it couldn't really grow anymore.  Now we know that's not actually true.  

Neuroplasticity.  That's the fancy word for "your brain can grow and change."

A really cool discovery is that mindfulness-meditation can grow and change your brain.  And not only that, it can grow and change your brain in some pretty important ways.

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Masturbation: Is it Healthy?

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Masturbation: Is it Healthy?

So, is masturbation ok?  Can it be healthy?  

Some of you may be wondering why I am even asking the question because you are thinking the answer is "NO!".  And, some of you may be wondering because you think "OF COURSE!" 

It depends.  It depends.  It depends.  

It depends if you are in recovery from sexual addiction.  It depends on your spouses' opinion.  It depends upon your spiritual view regarding lust--unless you masturbate without fantasy, in which case I say...bravo?       

Here are three questions that can help you reflect on it more deeply:

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Three Ingredients to Effective Accountability

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Three Ingredients to Effective Accountability

Dude #1: "I messed up the other day, ummm actually yeah it was today..."

Dude #2: "yeah me too...i'm kinda feelin down about it"

Dude #3: "yeah, so...it was a bad week for me too, so see you next week?"

If you have ever been in this sort of accountability group for a lust problem or porn addiction you know that it can seem like "what's the point?"  It can especially feel this way if it's the same routine every week.  Over time members of such a group get discouraged and in the end can withdraw feeling defeated.  They tell themselves "well, I tried the whole accountability thing but it didn't really work."  Like most worthy endeavors in life learning how to be an effective accountability partner is a skill.  Skills require an intentional process of learning, practicing and coaching to develop.  So, how do you get skilled?

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