Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

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Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

 Last week I wrote about the 22 differences between porn-related sex and healthy sex.   

      This week I delve more deeply into the top 3 differences.  I also include a former porn star's inspiring story.  Now, onto how porn kills healthy sex and how healthy sex kills porn.  

     A famous teacher once said that if you have two bosses you are going to hate one and love the other.  Basically, you are going to have to choose which boss you are going to follow or comply with.  You can't make both bosses happy.   Being loyal to one means upsetting the other and vice versa.  Some of you may even have bossws, teachers or even parents that have competing agendas.  And, I'm sure the tug-of-war drives you nuts.  It's an illustration that sometimes in life two paths are incompatible.  To gain one you have to give up the other.      

     There's a similar dynamic when it comes to pornography and a healthy sexuality.  If you choose porn then you give up a healthy sexuality and vice versa.  Pornography pulls you away from healthy sexuality and healthy sexuality can pull you away from pornography.  The main issue is that we are influenced by what we watch especially when you add an orgasm into the mix.  Our brain is able to change and it adapts itself based on rewards.  If sex to your brain = isolated porn and masturbation, experiences outside of that will not "feel right."  For some guys this means erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation when it comes to having sex with a real person.  Rewiring your brain to a healthy sexuality requires an intentional process and is not easily done.  (For more on that you can go HERE.)  

     For many guys whose first sexual experience was pornography the idea of "healthy sexuality" may seem completely foreign.  Let me break down some of the major differences between a healthy sexuality and a porn sexuality.

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How To Make A Smartphone Contract With Your Teen

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How To Make A Smartphone Contract With Your Teen

A few weeks ago I recommended a book that can act as a guide in parenting digital citizens.  When I stumbled across this mother's thoughtful approach to explaining the use of a smartphone I had to share it.  I invite you to take what's helpful, leave what's not and adapt this contract in a way that makes sense for your teen.

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Teens, Sex and Technology→

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The radio interview I did last week was packed with great questions from the host Carol the Coach.  Below are the questions we discussed.  To listen or download the interview you can go HERE.  The interview starts about 15 minutes in.

What led you to want to work with teens who are addicted to pornography?

How does pornography impact an adolescent brain differently than an adult brain?

How can pornography be harmful to developing a healthy sexuality?

What is a healthy sexuality?

What should parents understand?

Carol the Coach

Carol the Coach

How should parents respond if they discover their teen is using online pornography?

What practically should a parent do if their teen is viewing online pornography?

How can parents with younger children discourage pornography use?

What can the recovery community do to help teens?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach/2014/06/17/porn-addiction-and-teens-with-carol-the-coach

Are there people who would be helped by this podcast?  Feel free to share it.  If this podcast has helped you let me know by "liking" it.

 

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Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!→

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Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!

Tonight at 6:30pm I will talk about TEENS, SEX and TECH with Carol the Coach. You can join the show too and ask me about anything related to sex addiction, parenting or technology.

The show is pretty popular with 130,000 downloads/week from an international audience.  

Here is the info for calling in:

(646) 595-3284

We'll be taking calls starting around 6:30pm PST.  

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A Book to Help Guide Your Teen's Life Online

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Navigating the cultural divide between digital natives (born post 1980) and digital immigrants (born pre-1980) can be a challenge for parents.  I hear questions like:  

"How do I help my kid enjoy their life online but at the same time equip them to be safe?"

"How restrictive should I be or how much should I monitor my kids online behavior?"

"Is it too late to even try to change things now that my kid is in high school?"

In their book A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media, Adam and Mark approach these questions with compassion, wisdom and experience.  They give great practical tips which they have used themselves.  

The other thing I like about this book is that it can be read in about 2 hours.  Parents have so many things on their minds that having concise material is helpful.

The one main critique I have is that they don't address in enough detail what to do if your child has a porn or sexting problem.  So, while their recommendations are generally useful I would recommend consulting with a professional if there are chronic boundary violations.  A teen with chronic sexting or porn issues may be addicted.  And, if they are addicted finding the right combination between grace and truth; monitoring and equipping is crucial.

Are there people who would be helped by this article?  Feel free to share it.  If this article has helped you let me know by "liking" it.           

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Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Masturbation: Is it Healthy?

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Masturbation: Is it Healthy?

So, is masturbation ok?  Can it be healthy?  

Some of you may be wondering why I am even asking the question because you are thinking the answer is "NO!".  And, some of you may be wondering because you think "OF COURSE!" 

It depends.  It depends.  It depends.  

It depends if you are in recovery from sexual addiction.  It depends on your spouses' opinion.  It depends upon your spiritual view regarding lust--unless you masturbate without fantasy, in which case I say...bravo?       

Here are three questions that can help you reflect on it more deeply:

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Three Ingredients to Effective Accountability

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Three Ingredients to Effective Accountability

Dude #1: "I messed up the other day, ummm actually yeah it was today..."

Dude #2: "yeah me too...i'm kinda feelin down about it"

Dude #3: "yeah, so...it was a bad week for me too, so see you next week?"

If you have ever been in this sort of accountability group for a lust problem or porn addiction you know that it can seem like "what's the point?"  It can especially feel this way if it's the same routine every week.  Over time members of such a group get discouraged and in the end can withdraw feeling defeated.  They tell themselves "well, I tried the whole accountability thing but it didn't really work."  Like most worthy endeavors in life learning how to be an effective accountability partner is a skill.  Skills require an intentional process of learning, practicing and coaching to develop.  So, how do you get skilled?

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Unlock Addiction - Know Your Triggers

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Unlock Addiction - Know Your Triggers

Guess what's in the safe?

I don't know but doesn't it make you want to press your face against the cold steel and listen for whatever safe-thieves listen for?

Riddles are fun until they keep you from getting something you really want and need.

One of my friends once locked his laptop to a desk and completely forgot the 4-number combination to unlock it.  He had to give a big presentation in about 4 hours and it was back in the day when thumb drives weren't around.  

Sweat started to pool on his brow.  The creases in his forehead deepened.  With chin in hand he puzzled over the riddle that faced him.

How the heck was he going to get this laptop where it needed to be in a few hours?

Go to a hardware store and by a bolt cutter?  Nope.  The lock is connected to the hardware of the laptop.  

Call the manufacturer of the lock to see if there's a way to open it without the combo?  Maybe.  Probably an unlikely fix.

Just leave it there and wing it.  Nope.  Too much detail to remember.

Aha!  Then, the difficult answer came.  But, it wasn't a "yes!" aha but a "oh, crap!" aha.  My friend realized that the best option would be for him to manually go through each number.  With 10,000 combination options at 3 seconds per combination tried, well that's at least 8 hours of trying.  But, he thought on average the number isn't going to be at the end so he could probably find it in 4 hours, maybe less if he's lucky.  

Still..."CRAP!"  

0001, 0002, 0003...0923, 0924, 0925...1109, 1110, 1111...

Then..."click" it opens!  

Why am I telling you this story?  Because addiction is a riddle.  Addiction is a laptop locked to a desk and time (read: life) is running out.  

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Interrupting Addiction

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Interrupting Addiction

"How did I get here?"  Have you ever said that to yourself when walking or driving somewhere?  It's an experience that many people have.  They get in the their car or start walking somewhere, look up and realized they have just arrived.

Minutes or even hours have passed.  Yet, it feels like barely a minute has gone by.  

Often you aren't aware of the state of mind you are in until the exit sign or destination jars you from your trance.  The brain has a way of creating a trance like state that makes it feel like we teleport through time and space.  

Pornography addiction (like all addictions) can also create a similar trance where the addict, after acting out, asks themselves "how did I get here?"  One minute they were working on something and the next they are acting out, not even noticing at which point they slipped into the trance. 

In the beginning of recovery from sex and pornography addiction it seems like acting out 'just happens.'  It's as if the sex addict drives past the "this is not a good idea" exit and plows into the center divider, or drives into a ditch.  Rather than at the "exit sign" the addict only breaks out of their trance once the damage has been done.  The damage in this case being STD's, divorce, financial ruin, getting fired from a job, intense shame--just to name a few.  

There is a way to slow down the process and see the events, emotions, thoughts and decisions that lead to the moment of acting out.  One way of slowing down the process is to learn about your "triggers."  Triggers are often responsible for firing the addict into a trance-like state that leads to acting out.  By learning your triggers you can interrupt addiction.    

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