How Healthy Is Your Marriage? Take the Test

     I've been writing a lot about the dangers of porn.  But, It's not enough to just refrain from unhealthy sexuality.  Recovery is about learning to detach from a self-destructive process and attach to a safe, healthy person.  To safely attach to a person requires knowing how to build a relationship in which both you and your partner will thrive.  And, it's this sort of thriving marriage that makes truly amazing sex possible.  This is what healthy sexuality is all about!  

     So, this week I offer a marriage health assessment to help you assess your current relationship.  If you are in between relationships you can use this assessment to consider what you want in your next romantic venture.  You can also use this assessment as a conversation starter with your significant other.  Have each person take the test and compare answers.         

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  1. Responsibility for Personal Needs. Do both partners recognize that they are ultimately responsible for meeting their own needs?  And, that it is their responsibility to share their needs with their partner?
  2. Respectful Communication. Is there open and honest communication?
  3. Are you more comfortable with "I" statements rather than "You" statements?  (Ex: "I felt hurt when you..." vs. "you jerk!"
  4. Relationship is a Priority. Do both partners continue to nourish the relationship by practicing the 5 love languages?
  5. Do you set aside time for dates every week?
  6. Do you set aside at least 20 minutes each day to check-in to ask "how are you doing?  how was your day?"  
  7. Realistic Expectations. Do both partners see each other as whole people, with strengths and flaws?
  8. Do you love each other in spite of your weaknesses?
  9. Empathy. Are both partners able to see things from the other's perspective?
  10. Constructive Conflict. Is conflict dealt with in an open and respectful way, so that it strengthens the relationship rather than create more distance?
  11. Does it feel safe to approach your partner when you are hurt by their actions?
  12. Intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) Are there are expressions of verbal and physical tenderness, caring, and concern?
  13. Is sexual intimacy respectful, unique to each individual and does it take into consideration the needs and desires of both partners?
  14. Financial Responsibility. Do both partners share the decision-making about finances and come to an agreement on how to handle finances that feels good for both?
  15. Flexibility. Do both partners accept that change is unavoidable?
  16. Are you both proactive, flexible and solution oriented?
  17. Sense of Humor.  Are you both able to use humor to enjoy life and to deal with the minor unsolvable differences in your relationship?
  18. Shared Responsibilities. Are you both willing to share responsibilities and work together as a team to accomplish daily tasks as well as work towards your goals?
  19. Alliance of Two Adults. Do you see each other as equals and behave as two mature adults, rather than behaving either childish or domineering?
  20. Individuality. Does each partner have a sense of his or her own identity?
  21. Are you able to be spend time away from one another without suspicion, neediness or jealousy?

     Are there other couples you know who would benefit from answering these 21 questions?  Feel free to share it.  If this assessment has helped you let me know by "liking" it.




Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.