Whiteboard Video - 3 Ways Porn Rewires the Brain

Hi All!  It's been awhile since I've posted here but that's mainly because of my work with the  R|TRIBE App .  I recently did a rad video project with Axis where I got to share with a student and parent audience about the 3 ways porn rewires the brain.  EVERY STUDENT, EVERY TEEN needs to watch this video.   CLICK HERE

If you think you are struggling with a porn/sexual problem or know someone who does definitely check out the R|TRIBE App.  Everyday we get feedback about how it's bringing people freedom and for many it's the first thing that's really worked for them.  

 

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

My Secret Project

Around Feb a colleague and I started to dream BIG.  That's about when I stopped focusing on my blog and started on a secret project.  Now that project is not so secret any more.  In fact, you can find it right here: get.rtribe.org OR here: www.rtribe.org

YES!  An app has been born.  We are the FIRST social recovery app for porn and sex addiction.  

The app went live less than 10 days ago and is already being received really well.  Go ahead and check it out and tell me what you think.  

So, just as a heads up from now on you will get my blogs from the rTribe website.     

More on rTribe:

The purpose of the app is to help porn and sex addicts manage their recovery in community.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Acting out has always been fingertips away and now recovery can be too.  

It's a smartphone solution for a smartphone problem.  Rather than just blocking clients from acting out, this app empowers addicts to take a proactive approach with their recovery.  It's not meant to replace therapy or 12 step, but it will be the daily recovery tool addicts use in between face to face meetings.

Until next time...

Stay Connected.

  

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Questions for Your Next Date-night

Set I

Datenight

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Source: NY Times 

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Look Up

So many people I talk to say that porn and sexual acting out is a way to escape.  It's a way to feel alive for a moment.  It's a way to feel immersed.  It may start with surfing but the pull is like gravity and before you know it there's a site that leads to another site that leads to another site that leads to acting out.  

Look up is a brilliant video that poetically confronts how we relate to our smartphones.     

It highlights how the FOO (fear of missing out) compulsivity may cause us to miss out big time on what matters. 

Lots of meaningful interactions can happen through Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat (just kidding about Snapchat!).  But, let this video sink in.  I wonder how you can apply this video in one way so that you don't miss out on life's most exciting, most amazing experiences.

 

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO  (4 min)


Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

10 Apps to Delete

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(reposted with authors permission)

Sex educator Megan Maas has the scoop on 10 apps that can be very dangerous for you or your kids, and what you need to know about them.

You may be thinking your kids are downloading apps because they are just a simple way for them to keep in contact with their friends. This is certainly true for most kids, but unfortunately, even innocent use of most of these apps can land a kid in a situation he/she never intended to be in. Here are some apps that are popular among kids and why they are potentially problematic for them:

1. Tinder: An app that is used for hooking-up and dating. Users can rate profiles and find potential hook-ups via GPS location tracking. 450 million profiles are rated every day! The good news is, this app pulls information from user’s Facebook profiles, so it is more authenticated than other apps.
Problem: It is easy for adults and minors to find one another. Also, due to the rating system, it is often used for cyber-bullying, because a group of kids can target another kid and purposefully make his/her rating go down.

2. Snapchat: This app allows a user to send photos and videos to anyone on his/her friend list. The sender can determine how long the receiver can view the image and then the image “destructs” after the allotted time.
Problem: It is the #1 app used for sexting, mostly because people think it is the safer way to sext. However, the “snaps” can easily be recovered and the receiver can take a screen shot and share it with others. Also, a lot of images from Snapchat get posted to revenge porn sites, called “snap porn.”

3. Blendr: A flirting app used to meet new people through GPS location services. You can send messages, photos, videos, rate the hotness of other users, etc.
Problem: There are no authentication requirements, so sexual predators can contact minors, minors can meet up with adults. And again, the sexting.

4. Kik Messenger: An instant messaging app with over 100 million users that allows users to exchange videos, pics and sketches. Users can also send YouTube videos and create memes and digital gifs.
Problem: Kids using the app for sexting and sending nude selfies through the app is common. The term “sext buddy” is being replaced with “Kik buddy.” Kids use Reddit and other forum sites to place classified ads for sex by giving out their Kik usernames. Also, Kik does not offer any parental controls and there is no way of authenticating users, thus making it easy for sexual predators to use the app to interact with minors.

5. Whisper: Whisper is an anonymous confession app. It allows users to superimpose text over a picture in order to share their thoughts and feelings anonymously. However, you post anonymously, but it displays the area you are posting from. You can also search for users posting within a mile from you.
Problem: Due to the anonymity, kids are posting pics of other kids with derogatory text superimposed on the image. Also, users do not have to register to use Whisper and can use the app to communicate with other users nearby through GPS. A quick look at the app and you can see that online relationships are forming through the use of this app, but you never know the person behind the computer or phone. Sexual predators also use the app to locate kids and establish a relationship. One man in Seattle, Wash., was charged with raping a 12-year-old girl he met on this app in 2013.

6. Ask.fm: Ask.fm is one of the most popular social networking sites that is almost exclusively used by kids. It is a Q&A site that allows users to ask other users questions while remaining anonymous.
Problem: Kids will often ask repeated derogatory questions that target one person. Due to the anonymity of the badgering, it creates a virtually consequence-free form of cyber-bullying. Ask.fm has been associated with nine documented cases of suicide in the U.S. and the U.K.

7. Yik Yak: An app that allows users to post text-only “Yaks” of up to 200 characters. The messages can be viewed by the 500 Yakkers who are closest to the person who wrote the Yak, as determined by GPS tracking.
Problem: Users are exposed to and are contributing sexually explicit content, derogatory language and personal attacks. Although the posts are anonymous, kids start revealing personal information as they get more comfortable with other users.

8. Poof: This app allows users to make other apps “disappear” on their phone. Kids can hide any app they don’t want you to see by opening the app and selecting other apps.
Problem: It’s obvious, right? Luckily, you can no longer purchase this app. But, if it was downloaded before it became unavailable, your child may still have it. Keep in mind that these types of apps are created and then terminated quickly, but similar ones are continuously being created. Others to look for: Hidden Apps, App Lock and Hide It Pro.

9. Omegle: This app is primarily used for video chatting. When you use Omegle, you do not identify yourself through the service. Instead, chat participants are only identified as “You” and “Stranger.” However, you can connect Omegle to your Facebook account to find chat partners with similar interests. When choosing this feature, an Omegle Facebook App will receive your Facebook “likes” and try to match you with a stranger with similar likes.
Problem: Sexual predators use this app to find kids to collect personal information from in order to track them down more easily in person.

10. Down: This app, which used to be called Bang With Friends, is connected to Facebook. Users can categorize their Facebook friends in one of two ways: They can indicate whether or not a friend is someone they’d like to hang with or someone they are “down” to hook-up with.
Problem: Although identifying someone you are willing to hook-up with doesn’t mean you will actually hook-up with them, it creates a hook-up norm within a peer group. Depending on your sexual values, this might be something you don’t want for your child. Also, because of the classification system, a lot of kids will feel left out or unwanted, which can lead to anxiety, etc.

The most important thing you can do as a parent to protect your children from dangers that are associated with the use of these apps is to talk with them frequently about their social lives. You can start by establishing yourself as an approachable parent and talking with them early and often about sexuality and romantic relationships. Without a strong bond and open communication, trying to regulate and monitor Internet use won’t be very effective. However, setting technology boundaries (when and where they access the Internet) and monitoring their online behavior can be effective if you have a strong foundation to build on. You can access a list of monitoring software I recommend here. Just remember to keep on top of it, there is no software that can eliminate risk or the need to parent. Ultimately, your goal is to raise an individual who can manage his/her online and offline behavior in a healthy way because he/she wants to. The process starts with you nurturing a strong emotional bond, leading by example and setting the boundaries. You can do it!

Are there people who would be helped by this article?  Feel free to share it.  If this article has helped you let me know by "liking" it.  

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

To My Porn-Watching Dad, From Your Daughter

(this is a an anonymously written letter from a daughter to her father)

Dear Dad,

Sad Teen Girl

I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this effects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.

I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.

As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “them”. I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.

When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.

I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.

Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.

Love, Your Daughter

*This has been posted anonymously due to the nature of the topic.*

Source: Faithit

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Annual Reflection - Make Changes That Last

Annual Reflection - Make Changes That Last

Today I want to help you make changes that last.  Key to that is REFLECTION.

Having said that for those in recovery reflecting on the year (let alone the last week!) can feel daunting.  

"Aren't I just gonna see what a failure I have been?  How things never change?  How I've hurt myself and others?"

Others of you might say "Isn't that the point of my acting out behavior: to not look at myself!?  Why are you asking me to reflect on my year?"  

Whether you are helping people in recovery or in recovery yourself REFLECTION is medicine for the tired, wounded and broken soul.  

Read More

A Cool Way to Help Kids Understand Addiction

This deceptively cute video (5min) illustrates how addiction works.  If you are a parent, teacher, counselor or spiritual leader take a moment to watch the video and think about the kids it would work for.  I think it can act as a powerful teaching tool for kids 4 to 10 yrs old.  

I would recommend if you show it to the kids in your life that you use an inductive approach.  Ask them open-ended questions like: "what happened when the bird first tried the nugget?  what about the 2nd and 3rd time? what happened at the end?"  

Then, once the kids describe it all, ask them how it made them feel?  Then, you can talk about how there are things in the world that can bring great "darkness" into their lives.  In age appropriate ways I would list what those things could be.  "A nugget could be an image on the internet, something you drink, something you smoke..."  

So, when do you think you will show this to your kids?  Set a time now while you are thinking about it.  It could make a huge difference.


Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

A Powerful TEDTalk - Especially for Teens

This is a powerful video that dissects the dysfunctional aspects of pornography.  And, how porn creates emotionally unsafe sex in the viewer.  

The message also brings to light the inhumanity that a viewer of porn subjects themselves to as well as the person(s) they are watching.  Definitely an authentic message coming from someone who has served the sex worker population.  

WARNING: Graphic descriptions (NSFW)

WHY I STOPPED WATCHING PORN

Ran Gavrieli lives in Tel Aviv and studies gender at Tel Aviv University. He works with youth and adults all over the country in sex and gender studies and in building positive self image in a world inundated by sexual imagery with negative connotations. 

Ran writes and lectures about emotional and physical safe sex; porn and porn-influenced cultural damages; gender and power relations; and sex and intimacy.

Are there people who would be helped by this video/article?  Feel free to share it.

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Vampire Porn

How the Porn Industry is cannibalizing itself.  

 

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

Porn Kills Healthy Sex; Healthy Sex Kills Porn

 Last week I wrote about the 22 differences between porn-related sex and healthy sex.   

      This week I delve more deeply into the top 3 differences.  I also include a former porn star's inspiring story.  Now, onto how porn kills healthy sex and how healthy sex kills porn.  

     A famous teacher once said that if you have two bosses you are going to hate one and love the other.  Basically, you are going to have to choose which boss you are going to follow or comply with.  You can't make both bosses happy.   Being loyal to one means upsetting the other and vice versa.  Some of you may even have bossws, teachers or even parents that have competing agendas.  And, I'm sure the tug-of-war drives you nuts.  It's an illustration that sometimes in life two paths are incompatible.  To gain one you have to give up the other.      

     There's a similar dynamic when it comes to pornography and a healthy sexuality.  If you choose porn then you give up a healthy sexuality and vice versa.  Pornography pulls you away from healthy sexuality and healthy sexuality can pull you away from pornography.  The main issue is that we are influenced by what we watch especially when you add an orgasm into the mix.  Our brain is able to change and it adapts itself based on rewards.  If sex to your brain = isolated porn and masturbation, experiences outside of that will not "feel right."  For some guys this means erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation when it comes to having sex with a real person.  Rewiring your brain to a healthy sexuality requires an intentional process and is not easily done.  (For more on that you can go HERE.)  

     For many guys whose first sexual experience was pornography the idea of "healthy sexuality" may seem completely foreign.  Let me break down some of the major differences between a healthy sexuality and a porn sexuality.

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22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

22 Differences Between Healthy Sex and Porn

     Sometimes it can be hard to pin-down why pornography can be harmful to a healthy sexuality.  I am grateful to share a poster made by healthysex.com (with permission) that lays out 22 differences between healthy sex and pornography.  

     As you look at this list do you see ways your sexuality has been influenced by the porn industry?  Don't be surprised if you do.  The three "A's" of porn--accessibility, affordability and anonymity--have caused a "pornification" to happen to our culture.  This is especially true for youth whose sex education often comes by-way-of pornography.  In my next post I will delve more deeply into a few of these differences.

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The Definition of Resilience

NEVER. GIVE. UP.  

That's what I learned from the biographical Unbroken.    It's the story about Louis Zamperrini a hellion of a child and a menace to society through his early adolescence.  It's the story of an unforeseen Olympian who overcame all odds of survival in WW II and even the fallout of incredible trauma and addiction.  

INSPIRATION

If you are in need of inspiration in your life right now read this book.  It is the most inspirational book I have ever read.  Not kidding.  

THAT'S REAL

If there weren't eye witnesses it would be deemed fiction.  For, it is too amazing to be considered real.  It is utterly fantastical.  

THAT'S ACCESSIBLE

Yet, for as unbelievable as the events are one does not shrug and say "I could never do that."  There is not a distancing that can usually occur with heroes who seem so other-worldly.  There is something about Zamperini that is accessible.  When reading about his life you hear an invitation and a desire to be like him.  You WANT to be like this guy.  You want to honor his life.  You want to never give up.

A PARABLE FOR RECOVERY

This is the perfect book for those in recovery.  

What most sex addicts and addicts in general suffer from is hopelessness:

"It will never get better."

"Things will never change."

"I'll always be stuck in my addiction."

"I'll always be this way."

Addicts feel the odds are stacked against them and that there is no use in trying.  After being beaten down numerous times by the disease the invitation to despair is alluring.    

Never Give Up.  It sounds cliché.   But, it will feel far from cliché after reading Unbroken.  Louis' life will give new meaning to those words.  

Enjoy. 

  

  

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

How To Make A Smartphone Contract With Your Teen

How To Make A Smartphone Contract With Your Teen

A few weeks ago I recommended a book that can act as a guide in parenting digital citizens.  When I stumbled across this mother's thoughtful approach to explaining the use of a smartphone I had to share it.  I invite you to take what's helpful, leave what's not and adapt this contract in a way that makes sense for your teen.

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Teens, Sex and Technology

The radio interview I did last week was packed with great questions from the host Carol the Coach.  Below are the questions we discussed.  To listen or download the interview you can go HERE.  The interview starts about 15 minutes in.

What led you to want to work with teens who are addicted to pornography?

How does pornography impact an adolescent brain differently than an adult brain?

How can pornography be harmful to developing a healthy sexuality?

What is a healthy sexuality?

What should parents understand?

Carol the Coach

Carol the Coach

How should parents respond if they discover their teen is using online pornography?

What practically should a parent do if their teen is viewing online pornography?

How can parents with younger children discourage pornography use?

What can the recovery community do to help teens?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sexhelpwithcarolthecoach/2014/06/17/porn-addiction-and-teens-with-carol-the-coach

Are there people who would be helped by this podcast?  Feel free to share it.  If this podcast has helped you let me know by "liking" it.

 

/Source

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!

Radio Interview Tonight- Join Me!

Tonight at 6:30pm I will talk about TEENS, SEX and TECH with Carol the Coach. You can join the show too and ask me about anything related to sex addiction, parenting or technology.

The show is pretty popular with 130,000 downloads/week from an international audience.  

Here is the info for calling in:

(646) 595-3284

We'll be taking calls starting around 6:30pm PST.  

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A Book to Help Guide Your Teen's Life Online

Navigating the cultural divide between digital natives (born post 1980) and digital immigrants (born pre-1980) can be a challenge for parents.  I hear questions like:  

"How do I help my kid enjoy their life online but at the same time equip them to be safe?"

"How restrictive should I be or how much should I monitor my kids online behavior?"

"Is it too late to even try to change things now that my kid is in high school?"

In their book A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media, Adam and Mark approach these questions with compassion, wisdom and experience.  They give great practical tips which they have used themselves.  

The other thing I like about this book is that it can be read in about 2 hours.  Parents have so many things on their minds that having concise material is helpful.

The one main critique I have is that they don't address in enough detail what to do if your child has a porn or sexting problem.  So, while their recommendations are generally useful I would recommend consulting with a professional if there are chronic boundary violations.  A teen with chronic sexting or porn issues may be addicted.  And, if they are addicted finding the right combination between grace and truth; monitoring and equipping is crucial.

Are there people who would be helped by this article?  Feel free to share it.  If this article has helped you let me know by "liking" it.           

Alex Lerza

My goal as a therapist, speaker and writer is to help people experience the gift of sexual and relational wholeness. Currently I work at Christian Counseling Center in San Jose as a Marriage Family Therapist, Intern. Though I come from a place of faith I have treated clients from all creeds and orientations. I completed my Master's degree from Santa Clara University in 2012. Because I felt called to the area of sexual wholeness I became an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist in 2013. However, I quickly learned that trauma is the cause for a significant amount of sexual and relational brokenness so I also became certified in two trauma-reduction therapies--Affect Management Skills Training and Affect Centered Therapy (similar to EMDR). PSYCHOTHERAPIST. Trauma and Sexual Addiction. One of my passions is to help people break free from sexual addiction and heal from trauma. With hundreds of hours of training in trauma and sexual addiction, I provide clients a clear path out of addiction so that they may enjoy healthier relationships and lead more focused lives. Couples. I love helping couples discover the gift of a healthy marriage. I excel at teaching couples how to communicate, how to heal from betrayal and how to deepen their level of passion and intimacy. Teens. Being a teen is tough. I enjoy helping teens who struggle to connect with peers, have questions about identity or want to kick a pornography addiction. I also run a 10 week program for teen guys looking for a band of brothers and accountability with sexual compulsivity. Individuals. I believe that everyone has something to offer the world that no one else can. I hate to see depression or anxiety limit a person's ability to make their special offering come alive. I offer clients the compassion, tools and strategies they need to make their mark and fulfill their personal vision.

Life of the Beloved

Life of the Beloved

Life of the Beloved is probably my favorite book when it comes to recovery and healing.  Most of us who feel broken do so because at the root of our soul is a feeling that we don't belong.  Betrayal, neglect and all forms of abuse embed in our hearts and whisper the message "you are worthless."  It's this bitter root that drains life and which so many try to numb with any and all possible means--sex, food, drugs, power.  

But, we can be creatively life-giving as much as we are creatively life-destroying.  

Nouwen convinces us that deeper than the bitter root is the message "You are the Beloved."  That we belong to Someone very special indeed.  And, it's his voice we should listen to above all others.   

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How Meditation Increases Grey Matter in the Brain

How Meditation Increases Grey Matter in the Brain

When I was growing up (which was not that long ago) we were taught that once your brain was done growing it couldn't really grow anymore.  Now we know that's not actually true.  

Neuroplasticity.  That's the fancy word for "your brain can grow and change."

A really cool discovery is that mindfulness-meditation can grow and change your brain.  And not only that, it can grow and change your brain in some pretty important ways.

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